Sliding Doors

A Reflection of Grief

I turned 40, and decided to jump back into something that was for me. Writing. now almost 2 years have passed - that fleeting moment of commiting to myself lost - with so many others.

I met with my counselor last week - everyone should see a counselor/therapist/confidant/medium, whatever outlet gives you the space - and it was the worst. And the best. Since that session, I have been grieving. Truly grieving, in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I’ve lost my appetite. I have showered twice. I’m averaging once a day for brushing my teeth. Not working out. Nothing. I show up for my job every day, but the effort to stay engaged is real. Grief is real.

Over 20 years ago, I dedicated my life to the world of wine. I couldn’t have loved something more. The excitement of learning something new every day. The anticipation of where I could travel through a glass or bottle made me giddy. My enthusiasm for every grape, country, region, family; it was insatiable. I loved to share it all with anyone willing to listen. The opportunity to spread the joy I felt about wine was what really hooked me. The people that wanted to share their time, and listen to my animated tales of why this wine was delicious and that wine was special - they are what made me fall in love. The wine brought us together, but the shared moments are what kept me coming back to the table to open another bottle and create new memories.

I spent 10 years pulling up a chair to that table; opening bottles of wine, creating memories with the same people and sometimes adding more chairs when new faces appeared. It was still a love, but my anticipation had dwindled and it became too expected.

And then the sliding door opened, giving me the opportunity to reconnect with my excitement for the places and faces that I only knew through opening bottles. Working with the families to tell their stories to enthusiasts like myself, who could spread the love even father than my Midwestern city. I walked right through the door, without question.

The opportunity to champion wines that I loved from the beginning of my career, and lean into the high of seeing someone else’s aura brighten with the first taste and learned knowledge has been priceless. As my success on this other side of the threshold has grown, my own ambiance has dulled. I believe Dolly Parton said it best, ‘Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life’. From soil and corks, to spreadsheets and Zooms.

Almost 10 years later. Insert Grief. Where did I go? How did I stray so far from the root of my passion for the wine industry? How do I find my way back?

A timely moment to reflect on my career, as the wine industry is experiencing its own grief. We all need to find our way back to the ‘why’. Open a bottle, open a door.